Say Uncle

There is a t-shirt that many people wear. It's one that everyone has seen...it features a scowling Calvin from the classic comic strip Calvin & Hobbes, and reads "Every day, I'm forced to add another name to the list of people who piss me off." The shirt itself is a self-fulfilling prophecy, because every person I see with it immediately takes their place on the list of people that I consider Slinkies.

Why Slinkies you ask? Because, like Slinkies, they are completely useless, but sure are a lot of fun when you push them down a flight of stairs. Sidenote: I truly wish I could take credit for that joke. Unfortunately, in the interest of honesty, I have to admit that I definitely heard it somewhere else, though I couldn't tell you where. Whatever. They thought of it. I'm popularizing it. There are many people who are on my Slinky List; white people with dreadlocks spring to mind, as do people who wear leggings as pants, and whoever it was at ABC that canceled Pushing Daisies. However, most people on the list are those who work against my beloved gay community, and with gay marriage becoming legal in two new states in the past month, and looking like it's coming to Maine, the list has gotten much longer.

Let's start with Maggie Gallagher, the president of the National Organization for Marriage, who produced The Gathering Storm, or as I like to think of it, the ad that launched a thousand parodies. I'm not going to get into it...I would imagine most have watched it already. I will, however, say that I loved the part where they referred to themselves as "a rainbow coalition." It was like they were trying to simultaneously scream "Look, we're not racist! We like black people and someone in our ad has an accent!" and "Let's take back the rainbow from those dirty homos!" But back to the woman at hand. First off let me say that she at least has the courage of her convictions; if you do a quick Google image search on her, you'll find staring back at you a woman who has obviously not let a gay man touch her hair or clothes her entire natural existence.

After Frank Rich skewered her ad in a piece entitled "The Bigots' Last Hurrah," she responded with a letter to the New York Times claiming that she has warned that her opposition to gay marriage would lead to her being called a bigot, but that she's not the only one against it. Um, yeah, Maggie, we know, remember Prop 8 passing? We know you're not the only bigot on the block. But if your only defense is that there's safety in numbers, that's really pretty junior varsity. Isn't there something else you can muster up about why, exactly, you aren't a bigot, because I'm pretty sure that claiming the view of the majority isn't a Get Out of Being a Bigot Free Card. It just makes you a bigot and a bully.

Meanwhile, as I travel through life, I continue to be assaulted with images, quotes and stories about Jim McGreevey. Can I just come out and say that I think this man is an idiot? Honestly, I would really appreciate it if he could do his best to disappear off the face of the planet. Seriously, Jim. Haven't you given enough fodder to the freaking right wing crazies who already hate us by cheating on your wife with a man, stealing tax payer's money to finance your boy toy, and just generally being a tool? The man is two steps above Perez Hilton and Chris Crocker on the "This Is Why People Hate Us Scale."

Now he actually attends the premiere of Outrage, the documentary about outed politicians at the TriBeCa film festival...in which his own scandal is discussed in detail by his ex-wife. Not so bad...until you find out that he dropped out of the panel to discuss the movie later, because he was unhappy with the final cut. It turns out he didn't know his ex-wife was being interviewed, and thought it was just going to be his side of the story, and he would continue his facade as a gay hero, finally able to live his "truth." Gross. I mean, I get to a certain extent that we have to attack the homophobia that creates these people not the people themselves. I also get that McGreevey is apparently a shameless fame whore that only sees his own victimization, and doesn't seem to really want to take any responsibility for his own actions. Hey, Maggie Gallagher...how do you think that the McGreeveys' daughter is doing right now thanks to the marriage between a man and a woman?

Anyone who reads this blog knows that people piss me off fairly regularly. I think what particularly upsets me about these two is that they either defend their arguments by hiding behind children, or are so wrapped up in their own lives that they might not be paying attention to what their confessions of torrid threeways might be doing to their own offspring. My sister Krista had a baby, Joseph, on April 15th. Naturally, Joseph is perfect. But I wanted to make certain that in this world with so many people who just further their own agendas, Joseph knew that I would be putting his well-being before my own. So, when I held my nephew for the first time, I leaned down and whispered to him the following:

"I'll totally buy you porn. The boobie kind, cause honestly that's probably what you're gonna be into. And I wouldn't buy boobie porn for anyone but you. And I'm gonna get you condoms too. Glove the love, kid."

Wisdom and porn. My nephew can count on that.