Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Actor's Diet

Diets are big these days. It seems one cannot go a day without hearing about a new fad diet, or weight-loss pill, or fat substitute that promises to help one get those pounds off like a prom dress. Whole television shows are built around watching obese people sweat themselves into oblivion, and waiters are constantly being asked if there is a low-carb substitute. By the way, the answer to this question is always no, even if some servers try to couch it in nicer terms. And by asking it, you have earned the eternal enmity of the entire service industry, most of whom have better things to be doing than standing around trying to help you order low-carb mashed potatoes. Take a lesson.

However, I recently stumbled upon a weight loss system that outstrips them all. It's virtually guaranteed to get you in the best shape of your life, no exceptions. It inspires gym visits in a never before seen frequency. Once you arrive, I promise that you will work out harder and more intensely than ever before. And rather than getting a donut for breakfast, you will suddenly discover an undeniable craving for a yogurt smoothie. It's what I like to call The Actor's Diet, and it's extremely simple to apply it in your life. There is no monetary commitment, like Weight Watchers, and no commercials with aggravating celebrities like Jenny Craig. The secret to The Actor's Diet is very simple, and one that I'm surprised more people have not thought of as a motivation to get people to the gym more and McDonald's less, and I'm going to share it with the you here.

Appear onstage naked.

I discovered this inspirational tool only a few weeks ago, when I received word that I would be performing in a play that required to me to appear starkers in the opening moments. There I was, excited to be working on a show, and at the same time restructuring my schedule for the foreseeable future to allow for gym visits at least 6 days a week. Even as I called people to tell them the good news, I was mentally scratching ice cream and potato chips off of my grocery list and adding carrots and granola. The yoga and pilates classes that I had planned on taking for about 6 months suddenly sky-rocketed to the top of my priority list, sending catching up on Gossip Girl plummeting to the bottom.

My new found commitment to a healthier life received unexpected and immediate support from a bad illness that laid me up in bed. As I huddled under the covers, trying to keep from shaking uncontrollably, I just kept repeating Emily Blunt's classic line from The Devil Wears Prada: "I'm one stomach flu away from my goal weight." I figured my sickness could act as a jump start for my system, a sort of pestilential detox, stopping me from eating things like chocolate chip cookies and pizza by keeping me bed-ridden for five days. While it unfortunately had the side effect of keeping me out of my newly planned exercise regimen for almost a week, I was determined to look on the bright side of life.

After returning to the land of the living, I immediately realized I had no time to lose, and The Actor's Diet went into full effect. And as I found out more about the play I would be performing, the more intense it became. Not only would I be in my birthday suit, but I'd be in my underwear for the bulk of the play. See ya later, pasta! I'd be performing in the LGBT Center, probably to an audience of mostly gay men, not generally known as the most forgiving of cultural groups. Bye-bye, bagels! The room in the Center where we would be performing has a very little separation of audience and actors, virtually guaranteeing every attendee a pornographic level close-up of my junk. Hello, salads twice a day! I'd be taking some photos with no shirt on to be submitted to gay magazines, where all of homosexual New York would be taking a gander at my pecs. Two-a-day work outs it is (and never again making fun of Photoshop)!

Now you might all be thinking, "But come on! We're not all actors! How can we appear naked onstage?" Well, I would recommend is signing up for a weekend at a nudist colony. Of course, you will have an advantage there, because you won't be the only one naked in a room full of clothed people, but perhaps baby steps is the way to go. After getting yourself in better shape for the clothing optional set, you can commit to streaking across a local college campus in a month. See how many horny collegians you can get to chase you, and how many run away. These are little goals that you can set for yourself, but I'm telling you, if you want to get in shape, public nudity is the way to inspire yourself to do so.

**As a short side-bar, I would like to apologize for the lack of posting of late. I would assure you that this is not because of a lack of material, but because there are going to be some big things happening soon. Suffice it to say my future marriage to David Wright is going to become a more direct topic of discussion soon. Not to worry, there will be no major changes can always come here for stories from my drama-filled life. However, soon there will be another place where you can get even more of me, because I'm a giver like that. And I promise to try to be more reliable with my posting!**

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