If you're anything like me, you might every once in a while wonder about the casting process for reality shows. How do they find these people? Can you imagine what the casting notice for Jersey Shore looked like? Anyway, this niggling question came to a head this past month when my friend Lisa's family made the command decision that she should be the next Bachelorette on ABC's reality hit. Mind you, since the Bachelorette is almost always a popular contestant from The Bachelor, what is really needed is to get Lisa on as a contestant, have America fall in love with her, and then have ABC decide to have her as their next lead. Since Lisa is commonly known as not just a hoot-and-a-half but in fact two full hoots, the family figured once she got on the screen America and ABC would fall in line.
I found out about this little plot a bit later on in the process, but must say that I think it's a genius plan. For one thing, having a friend who's a huge reality star would be fun. Also, while I have never watched a single episode of the show, I'm fairly certain that the leading lady's snarky gay friend would probably get some screen time and I need to beef up my resume.
Lisa was willing to go along with the idea, but (fairly) refused to do all of the work. I volunteered to write her application for her, and hurried over to the ABC website. As I wrote her application, it occurred to me how incredibly generic the questions were...it was like writing a college essay. It also occurred to me how misleading the blandness was; these people didn't want a nice contestant! They wanted someone who would make headlines! Well, I filled out Lisa's application, and I must say that I would cast her on the show (remember: two full hoots!). Then, for fun, I decided to fill out an application for a villain on the show. Someone who could become America's crazy while Lisa became their sweetheart...the Alexis to her Krystle. The Veronica Lodge to her Betty Cooper. The Angelina Jolie to her Jennifer Aniston.
Below, please find the application for Lisa's nemesis on The Bachelor:
Name: Kandi Winters
Do you have a valid passport?: I have 3. Do I need one where I'm pictured?
How did you hear about our search?: Miss Cleo pointed the way. And it only took a minor charge of $226.73 on my last phone bill for her to tell me about it!
You currently work: Hard for the money.
Annual salary: Depends on tips.
What is your highest level of education?: My high school had four floors. I had numerous classes on the top level!
Degree(s)?: Way over 98.6, cause this bitch is hot!!
School(s) attended?: For learning? Lots of teachers are clients!
Are you a legal resident of the United States?: Yes. With dual citizenship in Thailand (CRAZY bachelorette party).
Where did you grow up?: I became a woman in the backseat of my high school boyfriend's car. With my high school boyfriend's best friend.
Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime?: Yes, yes and no. Never convicted.
If so, please give details and dates: Let's just say I think the police arrest me just so they have a story to tell at the dinner table.
Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against you?: Not temporary.
If so, please give details and dates: Kid Rock's a pussy.
Have you ever filed for bankruptcy or Chapter 11?: No, but my ex did after I was done.
If yes, please explain: I took that bug-fucker for every cent he had and left him with the clap.
Have you ever been a performer, participant or contestant on television, radio or film?: Just direct-to-DVD softcore. And my boobs have radically changed since then.
If yes, please explain: ...I took the low-lights to some high-beams. Duh.
Do you drink alcoholic beverages?: Is a clam's ass water-tight?
Have you ever been married?: See above.
If yes, how many times?: Three times. One man.
If you have been married, why are you no longer together?: First time, domestic abuse (female on male). Second time, adultery (couldn't prove it). Third time, gave him the clap (see above).
How long have such marriage(s) been legally dissolved?: Depends on which state you ask. And I'm not entirely clear on the laws in Thailand.
Are you genuinely looking to get married?: Of course, getting married is great! It's marriage that sucks.
Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show?: Well, I gave Jake Pavelka a spin a few months ago, and the guy's a total butt-pirate. I figure you owe me one.
How many serious relationships have you been in?: 3 marriages, 2 sponsors and a partridge in a pear tree.
What happened to end those relationships?: See above for the marriages. I realized 12-Step Programs are for people who couldn't hold their liquor or are afraid of a mild STD. And I still have my partridge.
What is the unique talent of which you are most proud?: I'm naturally immune to Rohypnol.
Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what and where?: 4. Lower back, arm, back of the neck and left boob. I used to have 5, but I lost one while I was in Thailand (you seriously would not believe this bachelorette party).
What accomplishment are you most proud of?: The most popular drink in Thailand is named after me: the Twisted Winter. It's like a Long Island Iced Tea, but not so watered down.
Why haven't you found the man of your dreams?: I have. As stated above, Kid Rock's a pussy.
Anything else you would like to say?: I feel like this goes without saying, but I have quite a fan-base in Thailand. Is The Bachelor(ette) shown there? Because I feel like I'm capable of giving you a ratings bump in central Asia.
Obviously, if Kandi actually existed she would have been the subject of a reality show already. Most likely on E!, and scheduled as the follow-up to some train wreck reality show like Denise Richards: It's Complicated, or some Kardashian nonsense. That being said, I would really love for Lisa to have a nemesis like Kandi when she becomes a reality star. No one makes America love someone like uniting in hatred. That, after all, is how Dubya got re-elected.