Monday, April 2, 2012

The Ship Sinks

Is anyone else really excited for Titanic to return to theaters?  I know I am; I figure once it finally returns in all of it's glorious 3-D-ness, I can happily return to pretending I didn't sit through it the first time and only be reminded by the soft-strains of it's formerly ubiquitous theme song when I'm caught in a Lite FM Hell like a doctor's office or a Duane Reade.  I can't say I remember much about the movie other than being largely bored by it...the special effects were impressive, but I kind of doubt that they'll hold up to our post-Avatar standards.  This is probably a good time to note that I haven't seen Avatar...but if I'm forced to see one Hollywood film this year starring blue people, I will choose to watch that over The Smurfs.  My boyfriend, on the other hand, is completely pumped to go see this movie.  Below, I will enumerate a few scenarios in which I might be convinced to actually attend.*

1) ABC Cancels Cougar Town.  I expect that if ABC lowers the axe on my beloved cul-de-sac, I'm going to be in a deep enough state of mourning that I'll be able to be convinced of just about anything, so if Vinay tells me that we're going to see a Cougar Town movie I'll believe him because I'll want it to be true. The fact that more people are going to go watch Leo do his best ice cube impression in the re-opening weekend than watch my dysfunctional winos is just sad.  If this does happen, and I do wind up at a screening, I reserve the right to stand up and scream "SIX SEASON AND A MOVIE!!" while wildly gesticulating with a bottle of red wine.  It's what Jules and company would want.

2) I Screw Up Something REALLY Badly.  I'd like to be clear here: I'm not talking about accidentally forgetting the milk or being late to dinner.  I'm talking about something like Vinay winding up in the hospital and me screwing up the information on his forms and rather than getting his appendix removed he leaves the hospital a woman.  Something on that level.

3) The Threat of Becoming a Tribute in The Hunger Games. Did you read the book/watch the movie?  Shit gets real in that arena. My usual fighting technique of cutting people with words would provide about 15 seconds of snarky commentary before I was hewed down like an unwanted weed.  "Oh, big man's got a SWORD, what are you compensating for any--" *dies* .  Just to clarify, if Gary Ross would like to hire me to be killed as one of the tributes in the next movie, I'm in.  Seriously, Gary, call me.

4) Money. Lots and lots of money.

I think that just about covers it.  Other than that, I'm really just not interested in seeing Titanic.

*Management reserves the right to refuse to attend and/or leave this movie at any point up to and including Kate Winslet's orgasmic steamy window slap. 

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