Monday, October 1, 2012


Have you ever tried to set anybody up on a date?  Me neither.  I'm currently in the midst of my first ever attempt at it and let me tell you, it is nerve-wracking.  No wonder that horrid matchmaker woman on Bravo is so out of touch with reality...if she had emotions like the rest of us, she'd be a quivering mass on the floor after a hard day's work.  In any case, last weekend I got it into my head that I was going to set my friend...let's change all the names in this story to protect the identities of those friend Sara up on a date with a guy I met at another friend's birthday party.  My other friend's name is...Lucy and the guy's name is...Matt.   There, cover identities are established.  I'm SO Sydney Bristow.

Anyway, I won't get into the nitty-gritty of it all...I'm just going to re-create, in it's entirety, the opening email that I sent to Lucy in regards to this little party.  Subject line: "Weirdest question ever..."
Okay, so I have something very odd to propose to you...I hung out with your friend Matt at your party and he seemed like a great guy. I mean, he managed to talk to two gay dudes who he had never met before for almost two hours and I never once wanted to stab myself in the eye.  Believe me when I tell you this is very difficult to do, as I'm judgemental as a hobby and, on the inside, probably not a very nice person. 
 I swear I have never done this, but I thought almost immediately that he would be a great match for my friend Sara (I don't think you've ever met her, but she's awesome). And not only because he has a dog, though that's a HUGE plus. I feel somewhat comfortable bringing this up because we talked a bunch about online dating, and how he had just put up a profile and how I met my boyfriend on an online dating site.  Hey, did you know your friend Matt is online dating?  If you didn't, please don't tell him I told you, because that would be really awkward.  In any case, I was thinking about possibly adding him to my Facebook or something and trying to facilitate a meeting between the two of them, but I wanted to run it by you first.

Now at this point, I can think of a few reactions you might be having:

1) Um...NO. I work with this dude, I'm not stepping in that. Totally get it. If you don't want me to say anything, let me know and I'll keep my aspirations to be a Yenta in the same jar I keep my aspirations to be a brain surgeon. Or maybe you don't care if I say anything to him, but don't want your name attached to it.  I can also do that.  I'm flexible!

2) Um...NO. I'm in love with Matt. I'm totally butt-crazy in love with Matt!! Again totally get it. You should hit that, he seems like a great guy. Also, props for quoting Clueless.  You're awesome and Matt's damn lucky.

3) Um...NO. Matt comes off well, but he actually eats toothpaste for lunch and only washes his socks on alternating Tuesdays. Is that SO bad? He only has one pair of socks.  Oooooh, okay.  This is why I emailed you in the first place! Thanks for the warning, I'm going to go smack my inner-Emma in the face, cause bitch needs to get her head on straight. (For those of you confused by the title of this post, it was my attempt to make a gay pun on the Jane Austen classic.  I don't think I succeeded.  SHUT UP, WRITING IS HARD!)

4) Um...sure. I guess? Don't feel any pressure to participate in this. This whole thing might be an outgrowth of me being in a two and a half year relationship, and just wanting to pick up a guy in a bar even if he's not for me.  I need to know I still got it!

5) Awesome! Have at it! Anything I should tell Matt about this friend of yours? Why yes! She's awesome, she loves dogs and she too can spend two hours in a bar talking to two random gay dudes she's never met before. Also, she's Kat Denning's boob-double.  
6) I'm still hung over from Saturday. Can we talk about this when my hair stops throbbing? Yes, and congratulations! THAT'S a party!
I mean, really? You can smell the desperation on that e-mail.  I've written to guys I was asking out for myself in less of a flop-sweat.  Basically, rather than playing with just your own feelings, you're now putting yourself in the way of the feelings of two friends, a professional relationship and a DOG.  There's a dog involved, and nothing is funny anymore.  I stopped watching Game of Thrones when they killed Sansa's wolf...which was probably played by a dog.  And if it wasn't, it's close enough.  Side bar, does anyone else consider Marley and Me the first snuff film released by a major studio?

In any case, that email is now out in the universe.  I'll let you know if it results in a wedding or a cataclysm.

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