Things That Make Me Gay

Good news everyone! The wind beneath this blog's wings, Mr. David Wright himself, went 2 for 4 last night with a walk. You can check out his two homers last night right here. Now, some of you might be thinking to yourselves "Bad homo! What kind of queer are you, following sports?" I now present to you, in no particular order, something that may become an ongoing thread here: things to reaffirm my homosexuality.

1.) I entitled a blog "Why David Wright Should Marry Me, and Other Stories." The only way that's not pretty gay is if I'm a woman. I titled this blog because I LOVE David Wright. And I'm not talking about one of those weird straight guy man-crushes that the breeders get on guys like Steve Wozniak who invented something incredibly geeky that allows them to watch Nicholas Cage movies in surround-sound on their IPod. In my head, David and I regularly pick out furniture at Pier One for our new Brooklyn brownstone, and then go home to host a dinner party. Our friends come over, we sit around drinking wine and playing poker long into the night, while regaling each other with tales of the latest hi-jinks and shenanigans that we've all gotten ourselves into. In this world, it's also always 75 degrees and sunny, my acting career is successful, and The Hills was never a hit. It's a good place. And it's very, very gay.

2.) I enjoy crosswords. And I'm quite good at them. Fantastic, actually, despite what the following story is going to make everyone think. However, recently I had a clue that read "[blank] Prayer." Five letters. Immediately, I knew the answer, scoffing at how simple a clue it was, certainly not worthy of the Sunday Times. Confidently, I filled in the blanks..."L-I-K-E-A," and took a break to rush to my computer to watch Madonna's classic video. Go ahead, and take a break from reading and watch it yourself, you know you want to. Where else are you going to get your daily quota of burning crosses and African-American-man-as-Jesus imagery? Okay, are we all back? Can we take a minute and just talk about how great Madonna looked with dark hair?

Now, as I'm sure many of you suspect, this was not ultimately the right answer. However, the first letter was indeed correct which really made it hard for me to let go. I fought with that puzzle for at least an hour, before I finally had to throw in the towel, and erase my homage to Madge. Slowly, the other letters filled in..."L_ _ _S." I had nothing, though I now suspected the prayer was going to belong to someone. "L _ R_ S." Hmmm... "Lara's Prayer?" That definitely sounds like an bad indie movie starring Scarlett Johanssen making the riveting acting choice of "I'm bored" the whole time. Maybe she should spice up her life by releasing an ill-advised album of Tom Waits covers. Oh, wait, she already did. Go watch another Madonna music video to get that image out of your head. Okay, back to the puzzle..."Lara's Prayer" is a bust, and finally I get another letter "LOR_S." Oh...they want "Lord's Prayer." Got it...a bit late. Is there anything more gay than mistaking Madonna for the Lord?

3.) I read comic books for all the wrong reasons. I certainly knew that I was interested in men in spandex, but had enough of an instinct for self-preservation to steer well clear of anything football. However, there was nothing safer than heroes in comic books...after all, they were perfectly proportioned, always good people, and physically incapable of actually beating anyone up since each and every one of them was fictitious.

I'm at least 50% sure that part of the reason that my mother claims to have known I was gay when I was 2 was my unhealthy interest in super-heroes. Other reasons that probably clued her in were my willingness to go to Girl Scout meetings with my sister, an inborn, deep-seated fear of getting pudgy, and the fact that I would notice if my favorite bank teller changed her hair cut. But mixed in there must have been how very intrigued I was by my favorite super-heroes, and not so much in the way that I wanted to BE them, but more that I wanted them to be real so I could hang out with them. And maybe more.

I fell out of touch with comics in late high-school and college, but a few years back I wandered into a comic book store and rediscovered how much I love them. Here's Colossus (biceps!), Black Knight (legs!), and my personal favorite Hawkeye (purple spandex and loincloth!). Ah, Hawkeye...I love you so, you inspire me to haiku...

Spandex and loincloth
Are quite bold, as is purple
But I still love you

And we all know, only queers write poetry about hot guys.

Launch Party

Some people have expressed that they think I should have a blog. This is a hard thing for me to come to terms with, mostly as I have been known to go into rants about people who blog largely based on the thesis "Why do these people seem to think that I give a crap about who they are/what they think?" Come to think of it, that's actually a statement on which you could base most of my interactions with people in this world. So wouldn't it be horribly hypocritical of me to then start one? Wouldn't I be putting my opinions out there into the world in the exact same way I have so harshly condemned in the past?

Sure. But the public is clamoring for it, and who am I to deny them what they want? So, this is my blog.

But what exactly IS a blog? Quick, http://www.dictionary.com/ to the rescue!

BLOG (noun)- a weblog.

Well, that isn't helpful.

WEBLOG (noun)- A website that displays in chronological order the postings by one or more individuals and usually has links to comments on specific postings.

A bit more helpful, I suppose. And luckily, I've already included a link in this posting, so I'm one step ahead of the game. Furthermore, this really seems to leave the window open; in order to have a blog, it says is that all I have to do is post entries on a website. One of the people requesting this website sent me a link: http://www.blogger.com/ (you'll notice that I've included another link...you are probably thinking to yourself "Wow! Fast learner! I bet this guy is really intelligent!" and you would be right. At the rate I'm going with links, this is going to be the most successful blog ever). Off to this blogging hub!

Oh, I need a title. Well, this is the simple part. Victoria (she'll be a regular guest star here I'm sure...get to know the name) and I came up with a blog title back when this was just a sparkle in my eye...David Wright Should Marry Me and Other Stories. Who's David Wright you say? David Wright is the 3rd baseman for the New York Mets, the only sports team I really give a crap about. And he's dreamy. You can see that here. Oh, and here. And just for good measure, here. Quick, let's make sure no one else took the name!

So here it is...the blog that at least 4 people have asked me to start, officially started. What are you going to see on it? Who knows? Definitely a high percentage of snark. Maybe a look at the week in pop culture. I'm sure I will have to vent about the latest idiocy in the world every once in a while. So look forward to it. It's here. It's fresh. It's now.