Friday, May 30, 2008

Things That Make Me Gay

Good news everyone! The wind beneath this blog's wings, Mr. David Wright himself, went 2 for 4 last night with a walk. You can check out his two homers last night right here. Now, some of you might be thinking to yourselves "Bad homo! What kind of queer are you, following sports?" I now present to you, in no particular order, something that may become an ongoing thread here: things to reaffirm my homosexuality.

1.) I entitled a blog "Why David Wright Should Marry Me, and Other Stories." The only way that's not pretty gay is if I'm a woman. I titled this blog because I LOVE David Wright. And I'm not talking about one of those weird straight guy man-crushes that the breeders get on guys like Steve Wozniak who invented something incredibly geeky that allows them to watch Nicholas Cage movies in surround-sound on their IPod. In my head, David and I regularly pick out furniture at Pier One for our new Brooklyn brownstone, and then go home to host a dinner party. Our friends come over, we sit around drinking wine and playing poker long into the night, while regaling each other with tales of the latest hi-jinks and shenanigans that we've all gotten ourselves into. In this world, it's also always 75 degrees and sunny, my acting career is successful, and The Hills was never a hit. It's a good place. And it's very, very gay.

2.) I enjoy crosswords. And I'm quite good at them. Fantastic, actually, despite what the following story is going to make everyone think. However, recently I had a clue that read "[blank] Prayer." Five letters. Immediately, I knew the answer, scoffing at how simple a clue it was, certainly not worthy of the Sunday Times. Confidently, I filled in the blanks..."L-I-K-E-A," and took a break to rush to my computer to watch Madonna's classic video. Go ahead, and take a break from reading and watch it yourself, you know you want to. Where else are you going to get your daily quota of burning crosses and African-American-man-as-Jesus imagery? Okay, are we all back? Can we take a minute and just talk about how great Madonna looked with dark hair?

Now, as I'm sure many of you suspect, this was not ultimately the right answer. However, the first letter was indeed correct which really made it hard for me to let go. I fought with that puzzle for at least an hour, before I finally had to throw in the towel, and erase my homage to Madge. Slowly, the other letters filled in..."L_ _ _S." I had nothing, though I now suspected the prayer was going to belong to someone. "L _ R_ S." Hmmm... "Lara's Prayer?" That definitely sounds like an bad indie movie starring Scarlett Johanssen making the riveting acting choice of "I'm bored" the whole time. Maybe she should spice up her life by releasing an ill-advised album of Tom Waits covers. Oh, wait, she already did. Go watch another Madonna music video to get that image out of your head. Okay, back to the puzzle..."Lara's Prayer" is a bust, and finally I get another letter "LOR_S." Oh...they want "Lord's Prayer." Got it...a bit late. Is there anything more gay than mistaking Madonna for the Lord?

3.) I read comic books for all the wrong reasons. I certainly knew that I was interested in men in spandex, but had enough of an instinct for self-preservation to steer well clear of anything football. However, there was nothing safer than heroes in comic books...after all, they were perfectly proportioned, always good people, and physically incapable of actually beating anyone up since each and every one of them was fictitious.

I'm at least 50% sure that part of the reason that my mother claims to have known I was gay when I was 2 was my unhealthy interest in super-heroes. Other reasons that probably clued her in were my willingness to go to Girl Scout meetings with my sister, an inborn, deep-seated fear of getting pudgy, and the fact that I would notice if my favorite bank teller changed her hair cut. But mixed in there must have been how very intrigued I was by my favorite super-heroes, and not so much in the way that I wanted to BE them, but more that I wanted them to be real so I could hang out with them. And maybe more.

I fell out of touch with comics in late high-school and college, but a few years back I wandered into a comic book store and rediscovered how much I love them. Here's Colossus (biceps!), Black Knight (legs!), and my personal favorite Hawkeye (purple spandex and loincloth!). Ah, Hawkeye...I love you so, you inspire me to haiku...

Spandex and loincloth
Are quite bold, as is purple
But I still love you

And we all know, only queers write poetry about hot guys.


Anonymous said...

4) You love penis
Madonna is Lord!

Anonymous said...

"People are whores! Make them cry!" Ha! Priceless.

That last entry was gayer than a guy getting fucked in the ass by another guy. Gayer than Liberace getting his salad tossed. Gayer than Cher. Well done.

That said, uh, we all know you. Maybe less with the introducing yourself and more with the writing about other people for the purpose of passing judgment on them? (See how I spelled judgment the British way, without the 'e'? That's gay.)

Unknown said...

I don't know, but if I was David Wright I'd be a little miffed that you haiku-ed about Hawkeye and not me. Just saying.

Anonymous said...

Well done Paulie! You're my hero.

"Why David Wright Should Marry Me, and Other Stories" is a totally gay title even if you were a woman.

And I'd like to throw in a shout out to Gambit from X-Men who helped usher me through adolescence. I still have a thing for guys with cajun accents.

Summer said...

Lisa sent me a link to your blog- I love it!

PC said...

Oh my God, I totally forgot about Gambit! Hotness!

Chucho Perusquía said...

so Colossus is actually gay?
man that's the kind of hunk I'd die for!