Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Wedding Bell Blues

A few weeks ago, while in California, I stumbled across a report on NBC's today show.  What was it?  It was a hard-hitting expose on girls that were traveling to England and hanging out in pubs that Prince Harry supposedly frequents in hopes of bagging themselves a prince.  Congratulations NBC, you've now validated a practice that sets women back further than Jersey Shore.  Yeah, I said it. 

What the hell is up with Royal Wedding Fever?   RWF is like social herpes: it pops up in unexpected places and it won't go away.  I would really love someone to develop some kind of Valtrex for all major media outlets.  Let's actually say all minor media outlets as well; really anyone or anything with the ability to produce more "news" about this non-event should be treated. I'd buy it in bulk.  I just found out that apparently ABC has produced a 3D animated breakdown of tomorrow's ceremony, and I barely managed to swill a large gulp of malbec to stop my head from exploding.  Didn't a bunch of our ancestors fight a war so we wouldn't have to care what the British royal family did?  I mean, not my ancestors...they were all scattered throughout Italy, Ireland and Germany during the American Revolution.  Besides, we're lovers not fighters.  But someone else's ancestors definitely fought for freedom!

For the record, I have nothing against Prince William or Kate Middleton.  I'm sure they have beautiful souls. This is also not a "I can't married and I hate that they can" thing.  I'm not a homo who begrudges other people their marriages.  Go forth.  Prosper.  Don't procreate if you're stupid.  If you're not sure if you're stupid, err on the side of sterilization.

But getting back to the upcoming nuptials, every time I hear someone saying that they're going to wake up at 3 am to "see the hats" and "eat scones" and watch this ridiculous pageant I want to punch them in the neck.  First of all, who the hell ever wants to eat scones?  They're a shitty dessert; it's like someone decided to take cookies, overcook them and throw in some bad fruit to try to make it "fancy."  Furthermore, if you're going to do the party right, don't get up at 3 am, STAY up until 3 am.  It'll be much easier, and if you just get completely schnackered you might not hate yourself so much for getting no sleep.  Instead, you'll have a pounding hang-over, and hate yourself for that instead; luckily if you just strap on your boot flask in the morning a little hair-of-the-dog should get you through work.  Don't even get me started on the people who are actually taking a the day off.

I realize that the Royal Wedding is, at this point, a gigantic snowball that is hurtling down the mountain at unimaginable speed.  The most anyone can do is to leap out of the way and hope to not get splattered with too much unwanted detritus when it hits bottom and explodes.  Personally, I'll be holed up in my room loving Parks & Recreation and The Vampire Diaries.  Yes, I believe The Vampire Diaries to be a far more entertaining and intelligent way to spend time in front of the TV then this union.

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