Monday, June 2, 2008

Popular Demand

This blog is but a week old, and there are already requests and suggestions from faithful readers about topics they would like to see taken on here. Since one of the points of this endeavor is to entertain those very faithful readers, it seemed a good idea to follow their lead. This also confirms the long held rumor that people are desperate to know my opinion on a myriad of different subjects. Anyway, we here on the "Why David Wright..." team encourage participation from all want to hear my opinion on something? Submit topic ideas in the comments section, and I'll happily throw in my $500 worth!

Gay Candy Bars

Submitted by Brooke

What, I ask you, is the gayest candy bar around? Well, before last night, I think the floor would really have been open on this, though my vote would have been for Twix. Two phallic rods with a sweet creamy caramel in the center, that usually ends up somewhere on your face while you eat it? That's pretty gay. And kind of hot. But move over Twix, you have been de-throned by a new candy bar on the block, which you can see right here. No, your eyes do not deceive you.

There is now candy bar just called Big Mo' .

Now, a bit of research and careful consideration of the punctuation will quickly reveal to the studied observer that this candy bar actually has nothing to do with homosexuals. It turns out NasCar star Dale Earnhardt Jr. has decided to launch his own candy bar, named after his hometown of Mooresville, North Carolina, and also his old group of friends who went by (and I'm not making this up) The Dirty Mo' Posse. If that's not begging to be the title of a gay porn film I don't know what is. Below I have posted, directly from the official Big Mo' Website, what can only be described as a mission statement (let's all put on our thinking caps, and hunt for gay subtext!):

What is Big Mo’? Sure, it’s a candy bar, but it’s also everything that Dale Jr. loves—including chocolate, peanut butter and caramel. Big Mo’ is racing. The way you need it like oxygen, because it’s in your DNA and if you’re not around it, you can’t keep going. Big Mo’ is your buddies. Hanging out ‘til all hours of the night crackin’ jokes, playing pool and just kicking back and having a good time like you always do. Big Mo’ is being true to yourself. When you get right down to it, that’s the only thing that matters—doing what you love because you love it and not needing any other reason.

At least we can all see that this candy bar clearly understands that people are born gay...after all you need a Big Mo' cause it's in your DNA. To round out this discussion, take a look at this classic Daily Show clip with Samantha Bee exposing the dark homosexual underbelly of Nascar.

Mandatory Sterilization

Submitted by Heather, Dorene and Lisa (popular topic!)

So I went to see Sex and the City, a little movie that could, which premiered last weekend to quite the successful box office. Unsurprising, since I think the entire population of Queens was squeezed into the movie theatre to watch the film when I went. I know going to see a movie like this on opening weekend was asking for trouble, but I refuse to have my quality of life diminished because people are trash. I was prepared to wait in line to get into the theater. I was prepared to have late-comers trying to squeeze into seats that weren't there. I was even prepared for people to talk through the movie and reiterate things that just happened as if everyone else in the theater had gone spontaneously blind, and they were the helpful health care workers helping the hundreds of sudden cripples get their $12 worth out of the film.

I was not prepared for mothers to bring their infants. To an R-rated movie.

I mean seriously, what is the matter with people? Can't the theater stop this? I'm not one of those people who thinks that kids are scarred by this kind of thing...frankly I would imagine that if a kid can't wipe his or her own ass yet, they can't really even comprehend what's going on. But seriously, I felt like pulling a Samantha and turning around to the woman sitting behind us with her crying baby and sweetly saying "That kid is an asshole." If there ever was an argument for forced sterilization, it was sitting behind me in that theater last night.

Unless you want to bring up Dorene's contention that crack-ho's should be spayed upon the birth of their second child, that they are trying to exploit for disability checks. Dorene works for a law clinic if you couldn't guess.

Or Lisa's belief that anyone who wears lamé spandex leggings should be neutered. It's not okay, and we as a society need to stop accepting it and turning the other way. Face it people, if you aren't part of the solution you're part of the problem.

Mandatory sterilization. It's gonna sweep the nation.


Anonymous said...

I. Heart. U. A lot. Can't wait for bday activities to commence tomorrow!

Anonymous said...

I want a post-birthday play-by-play post!!!