Friday, June 6, 2008

Why David Wright Should Marry Me

The ultimate question for all readers of this blog up to this point has been "Okay, so why SHOULD David Wright marry you?" It was certainly the first thought on my mother's mind (yes, my mother reads this blog), and the first thing out of her mouth upon her review. The second was that she didn't realize that Madonna had a song called "Like A Prayer," a revelation that actually succeeded in leaving me speechless. Other things that have left me speechless include the re-election of George Bush, Jennifer Hudson winning an Oscar, and this.

Also, the use of the term "marry" is slightly suspect. Our only real options would be to a) move to Massachussetts and actually get married, b) fly to California and get married before the population of that great state has the chance to write a basic inequality into law, then come back to New York and hope Governor Patterson's new bill passes or c) enter into a domestic partnership with many of the same rights and privileges as a marriage. In light of these difficulties, I was thinking of titling this blog Why David Wright Should Enter Into a Domestic Partnership with Many of the Same Rights and Privileges as Marriage (but Not Enough to Scare the Far Right Voting Base and Single-Handedly Lead to Another Republican Presidency) with Me and Other Stories, but that doesn't really roll trippingly off the tongue. So I went the expedient route, and just used marry.

But the question still stands: why should the Mets' All-Star 3rd baseman marry me? Well, outside of the fact that my love is pure, I can offer him one thing that none of the numerous women who have undoubtedly proposed to him can: if David Wright marries me, he can become the gay Jackie Robinson.

Jackie Robinson, for those of you who might not know (I know my audience, that's not a ridiculous statement), was the first African-American baseball player in the major leagues. He debuted with the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1947 and basically ended segragation in baseball. If you would like to know more, I suggest wikipedia, not a blog dedicated to convincing a (by all reports straight) professional athlete to take up homosexuality.

Being the gay Jackie Robinson would mean so many things for David. For one thing, he would become the first athlete to ever come out while still playing his sport. Billy Bean and Glenn Burke are both former Major Leaguers who busted out of the closet after retirement from baseball, and there are a few others from other sports. But David is already a star in his world, and the face of the New York Mets (and what a face it is!); for him to come out would rock baseball. Picture if someone in Hollywood, like say Tom Cruise, was gay. And he had decided to admit it right after Top Gun was released. This is what we're talking about people.

Secondly, he would inspire all those boys who want to play baseball but are afraid of public showering. I'm not going to say that I had an overwhelming desire to play sports as a young man, I was far more concerned with figuring out a triple time step. But I imagine that somewhere out there, a young 'mo in training dreams of stepping up to the plate and then gives himself a panic attack at the thought of the showers afterwards. For those few non-homosexuals reading this, public showers for gay guys are the equivalent of watching porn while running through a mine field: you're having a great time, but really can't just relax and enjoy for fear of your life. That statement excludes public showers in Chelsea. If David could show these young men to not be afraid, the whole face of baseball could be another 10 years or so, all of these lads would be looking to play in the majors. The tobacco and chaw industry would take a major hit, baseball uniforms would become much more flattering as a whole, and smacks on the ass would increase exponentially.

Finally, he would virtually guarantee a spike in Met game TV ratings, as homos all over the country suddenly start to care about the sport. There are few groups of people out there as rabidly fanatic about their icons then homosexuals. Tell the wrong gay that you think Cher is a plastic surgery nightmare, and you're going to find yourself staring down the wrong end of an epic hissy fit. Imagine how they would flock to David's banner, should he decide to not only accept them, but to join them! I'm picturing a Mets Float in the Gay Pride Parade, the hot dog vendors being treated as a visual gag, and a dramatic upswing in the gay population's understanding of The Infield Fly Rule.

All this is not to say that being the first gay baseball player wouldn't be hard for David. But luckily, he would have me by his side to get him through the hard times. Double entendre intended.


Victoria Dicce said...
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Anonymous said...

Oh NOW I get the infield fly rule! Thanks wikipedia.

You should also mention that Hollywood would undoubtedly make a major motion picture out of his Gay Jackie Robinson status and women everywhere would swoon in manner of HeteroGirl Night at Brokeback screenings.